I don't have 4 to 5 days.
Plan B advises thawing in cold water. And I quote:
You may also place the wrapped turkey in the sink and cover it completely with cold water for about 30 minutes per pound.No, I may not.
Sounds like a plan, but (a) I have the shallowest sink in the western world, and (b) when I attempted to immerse the bird in water in a plastic bin, I discovered...it floats. How am I to "cover completely" a turkey that floats? I may be a mere English major, but even I know that no amount of water will cover something that persists in bobbing on the surface. All I can think of is putting a weight on it.
Now where did I leave that brick?
Update: I tried placing a big, heavy bowl on top of the turkey, but the bird shoved the bowl aside and stubbornly rose to the top. I wondered if David Letterman ever tried to make a turkey float, but I found no results.